Back from Kentucky!

I hope that everybody had a happy, love filled, overflowing cornucopia for Thanksgiving!



If life is harsh from day to day; if we think we suffer want; if our hearts our broken; if our health is tipsy; if we think our food budget is overstretched and it is getting more difficult to pay the bills; if our home is destroyed; if we are divided--there is still a reason to celebrate our Thanks Giving for all that God has provided for us.

A few years ago, I did research on the first Thanks Givings and, naturally, giving thanks is the reason. Long before it was a scheduled holiday, people put on the best feast they could gather together to give thanks, but probably also to remind themselves that there is hope for the future, hope for a benevolent God that is, in the long run, looking out for us. They held an early thanks giving at Valley Forge. Nowadays, we want to pin down a particular "first" Thanksgiving. Traditionally, we think it was the Pilgrim's celebration of their first harvest. Official announcements recorded as history do not necessarily make an event the first event of its kind. The precedent had been set long before. When I attempted to actually track it, I found it somewhere in the old country first, a mention here and a mention there--but more of an event called at the spur of the moment, a sharing of abundance or the pretense of abundance, an excuse to celebrate, to lift spirits. Thank God for what we have! Yes, a celebration far more casual than our present tradition would imply, never mentioned as anything official--and how natural is that? Christians have always given thanks!

We thank you, Father, for all the blessings of this life.

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I'm still reading Anne Lamott's book, Grace (Eventually). I am almost finished. It happens sometimes that I enjoy a book so much that I begin to read it sparingly, a few pages at a time rather than racing through it. Although I don't think this is her best book, by far, I always enjoy her honesty and she always inspires me. So my holiday was tinted by Grace (Eventually). It took on that hue of honesty. I wanted to try my own honesty, pry it loose from my reservations on the private page. But I had forgotten to pack my journal! I'd left it sitting on the corner of the desk.

I'm getting to the age that to think about doing something does not equate to having done it, even though logic tells me that if I am prepared to, as in having assured myself that my journal was handy to take with me, I surely would. So, it didn't get slipped into the bag with my book. I was so frustrated, I almost bought another notebook except that I have four in the works right now and reading my journal is growing complex if I want to keep things in the proper time sequence.

We had an interesting holiday. Elderson keeps things lively and emotional. To remember events is to chuckle--even if chuckling didn't seem to be the emotion of the moment in its original context. He is an idealist. If there is one thing I have learned in my life, it is that striving for the ideal envisioned is suicide for joy. It is very similar to being a perfectionist. I'm both by nature. I struggle to keep idealism and perfectionism from ruining my life.

To hint at his ideals: Money is something somebody else spends . . . Teenage boys need to be more rough around the edges . . . they should like to play poker, to master dominoes and to have a brawl for the fun of it . . . and, (worst of all) since he just broke up with his fiancé last fall, hope should equate to fulfillment . . . !

I can't divulge all of it as honestly as Anne would. I don't know how she does it. In short, I began to contemplate selfishness a lot this weekend. In a very loving way, of course.

We are all selfish and all our behavior stems from our individual world views, limited by our needs, hopes, goals and brain power. I noted how we all interact. I spent most of yesterday staring out the window as we progressed from northern Kentucky through Indiana, Missouri, Kansas and finally home to Oklahoma. I composed and recomposed what I would write if I had my notebook realizing all the way that if it weren't written at that moment and the effort made to reconstruct it later, it would be as stark as the bare trees in the misty landscape outside the window.

I was amazed that I could stare at virtually nothing but bare trees and the undulations of the wintertime landscape for so many hours while my mind churned away on the subject of loving each other unconditionally and the unity of the whole family. The lumpy, knobby knitting together of such diverse individuals and the hereditary similarities that are more cause for differences of opinion than for agreement.

Don't get me wrong, it was a pleasurable weekend and not a single major problem came up. But Ike was a little disappointed in his brother. I think he is finally old enough at 17 to see Elderson as he really is. He found some limitations in Elderson's knowledge of music, for example, and that was predictable. But Ike's own ideals couldn't conceive of the fact that he and his brother love different things about music and have a different focus. It was very difficult to forgive, actually. The hero image lost some of its gloss and Elderson couldn't wear it anymore. He was also slightly offended by a couple of near angry outbursts on Saturday afternoon when Elderson was more controlling toward me than he should be and didn't treat me as respectfully as Ike thought he should. A few minutes later, I observed, Elderson had said he needed some time alone, that he isn't accustomed to having people all around all the time. I took that in the way of an apology because apologies aren't always outright. I'm the same way, I need time alone, too, and so does Ike. So, we left him to himself for a while and went shopping and by the time we returned, Elderson was gathered back together.

But this is love and this is family. I know how much Elderson loves me, how he tells me his deepest most heartfelt feelings and shares his wounded self with me. And I will always love my son with all my heart despite the fact that he is far from perfect, far from ideal and equally as human as the rest of us. I disappoint myself all the time and worse than anybody else has ever disappointed me. That was my point to Ike--because we all are as undeserving of love as anybody else, or in other words, we are all equally deserving of love as anybody else, loved for our best despite our worst. Elderson is so sensitive, so wounded by the world--and always has been. He knew a lot about music, Ike just outgrew that knowledge and has taken on the burden now of being the most knowledgeable member in the family on the subject of music. Elderson has his own special qualities and owns his own turf. He is actually more of a writer/poet than a musician. I remember that Elderson was born so happy and greeted the world with high expectations and so, ever since, everything has been downhill, a disappointment . . . and we went to Kentucky--afterall--because he needed a boost and some companionship over the holiday that marked what would have been the weekend of his wedding.

That brings me to selfishness. The more needy we are, the more selfish we will be. But the converse is not true: the more secure we are, the less selfish we will be. As I said early on, we are all self centered and that is our world view. We suffer moments of unselfishness, even surrender ourselves for short periods of time to complete selfless generosity brought on by love--but even our generosity will spring from within that self centered framework in how we perceive each other's needs and how we can meet them. Families are knit together not from choice so much as by accident. We are a bumpy weave, a colorful weave, but we are warm and fuzzy and give each other the opportunity for moments of utter unselfish devotion. Ideally (and there I go with my idealism!) we balance each other, we smooth over life's difficulties. When he is weak, I am strong and hopefully the reverse would hold true. But sometimes we end up propping each other up, like a house-of-cards, trying not to shake and, holding our collective breath, try to put another support into place. Without each other, we would all be destroyed, lost and alone. So we don't judge, we just love. We look for the cause of our distresses and discontents and forgive them. We let the past flow away like a leaf on a stream. We relish the moments worth relishing and Thanksgiving was created for that purpose. It isn't the easiness of life we give thanks for! It is having eeked out a living against near impossible odds that arouses a need to celebrate and to give thanks. It is to build hope sufficient for another year of struggle, to drag out the plough, hitch it up to the oxen and begin a new furrow; hope for another year of surviving.

So, what did the Pilgrims and the men at Valley Forge have in common with us as we celebrated this Thanksgiving? The simple, powerful, overriding need to look on the bright side, to ignore our need and what we've lacked, build hope, share love and a toast--to next year, may we all survive! God willing!

Ike and his guitar:

I know this is dark. It is darker online than on my computer. If he will re-record Autumn Leaves I will upload that one too. He's good at jazz. He loves Autumn Leaves so much and plays Joe Pass' (?) rendition of it so often that it has become the theme for my life now. Maybe I can encourage him to shine a little bit more light on the subject.

Day 1 continued: The Bounder

So, at approximately 9:30, I dragged my duffle to the Southwind caravan. We located the Bounder, the camper that I was told serves as the official home of cook staff, even though it became apparent that I was the only cook staff on it. I'd found my way by talking to strangers here and there, then faceless, busy but kind.

I stowed my suitcase against the back wall of the back room where six bunks had been installed. I noted that for the most part the bunks were empty and unmade, that no other gear cluttered any corner. I had to worry about everything. I'm a very insecure person and I clue in to what I am to do by what others do and this wasn't working that way. It was obvious that although there were six bunks, there were no other bags--nobody's luggage. Evidence suggested that I might be alone. Not only then, but even at other times later in the trip, I wondered if anybody else would be getting on the Bounder and even if the Bounder would be going on.

Then, because the Bounder was excessively hot, I went back out into the fresh air. Around the buses that were parked behind it the activity was frenetic. The quiet alongside the Bounder was disconcerting in comparison. I was feeling like a fish out of my fishbowl and as though the water had gone somewhere else. And wouldn't a fish bowl full of water have been nice at that moment? I wanted a bath so bad!

I meandered through the hyperactivity outside the buses and located Ike. I was the only person meandering. I seemed to be the only person without an agenda, without a task and with empty hands and slow feet. In the brief exchange we had before he ran off to do something, I wondered when we could shower. It was just a question! Disgusted, Ike looked down his nose and, in a nasal tone to add weight to his disgust, "Don't be high maintenance, Mom!"

I backpeddled. "I won't be high maintenance," my voice whined even in my own ears, "I'm just wondering . . ." I was left wondering for quite some time because he never gave me an answer.

We parted company and I returned to the dark, empty side of the Bounder to wait for its occupants. All the other vehicles were loaded, the members installed in their seats--but the Bounder remained dark and empty. Not a soul walked along its side, not a person sat on its couches, not a driver made an appearance. The engines of the buses and trucks hummed and the Bounder sat silent.

I sneaked the opportunity to brush my teeth, using my drinking water to rinse my mouth. Embarrassed, even in the darkness, I squatted low to spit into the underbrush at the edge of the parking lot. A few minutes later, I saw a woman next to the camper ahead of the Bounder brushing her own teeth and I realized for the first time that I had discovered a secret of grabbing the few minutes here or there for care of self.

Suddenly, people converged on the Bounder. I hadn't even see them come! And then it was crowded, every seat filled. I entered and plopped, or fell, into the nearest seat--which turned out to be in the middle of things to my embarrassment. I recognized Mike, the director, and Vento, officially in charge of brass and--maybe officially in charge of a great deal more that I am unaware of, but the rest were all strangers. I think there were eight people and there was only one woman besides myself.

It was just that quick and the lights were on and we were beginning to try to get off but blocked by a camper belonging to Pioneer (another corps). I don't know how they do it, but nothing blocks them for long! There I was, sitting between Mike and Vento and worrying that I had gotten into the wrong vehicle. Surely some mom-volunteer shouldn't be sitting between the big brass! I even suggested that, "Am I in the right place?" Mike assured me that I was, but I remained doubtful. And then the Pioneer camper rolled out of our way as if by psychic transmission of some sort and we were on our way.

Taking in my surroundings should have made me feel right at home! I'm a child of the 60's. I even thought of myself as a hippie at one point. The inside of the Bounder looked lived in. It seemed a bit shabby, cluttered and the couches were covered with bed pillows and sleeping bags. I realized to my horror that I was sitting on somebody's pillow. I tried to minimize the effort it took to wrangle it from beneath me and push it up out of the way. Even the crowdedness, the shortage of seating as Mike sat on an ice chest, added to the effect. The atmosphere, to say the least, was casual. I knew automatically that the Bounder gets little attention--there is so much more to do.

Every moment is an adventure with the corps. And, it seems, as I watched Mike, that every moment is a potential disaster and takes major effort. Not that Mike seems the least bit stressed--but it would for me and it would make me freak, scream, cuss, pull out my hair, and exhibit and suffer every stress related illness from ulcers to heart-attacks. And so I admire Mike and the staff tremendously and I observe them with the kind of wonder that comes from being mystified rather than with any hope that I could emulate them.

It was a narrow little parking lot for those buses. Beyond the Pioneer caravan, the drive narrowed to car lane width and then plunged down a steep driveway. It was too short for the Bounder. We scraped going through. But the buses! Even I could understand that the buses are long and low. So that was our first hurdle--getting out of the parking lot . . . and a bumper crunched behind us.

*I know that I am windy! And I hope I manage to get it written now that I have started this way.*

Reviewing my long week with Southwind Drum and Bugle Corps

Day 1, 7/18
This is the trip in review before I have forgotten. My journal, kept by hand, was spotty and incomplete.

Because I had no clue what I was in for, I'm going to begin here with that same mystery for my readers! What is a drum and bugle corps? Until last November, I didn't even know that they exist. I think it is a shame now that I didn't and that I've missed so many years, so much excitement and so many fine performances. Drum and Bugle Corps ought to be included as an Olympic event!

What I must say about the trip, in total, was that I have rarely come across such a fine group of hard working, self-sacrificing, goal oriented people. I would have to apply a great many superlatives in order to feel that I might have expressed all their qualities. Most especially, and I think this is rare in today’s world, I felt that each and every person involved, staff and kids, have found a sense of purpose for their lives in this strange competitive world that runs parallel to this ordinary world that most of us inhabit. It is so strange to say this, as later on in the trip I actually worried that the importance of items in the drum corps agenda take on a larger than life feel, an importance out of the natural order of things--an insanity caused by being so focused on the head of a pin! But keeping the real world in mind, the drum corps world is a wondrous place. So, I was taken aback, being somewhat of a religious nut, if you will, I had thought that the only place I would find this kind of devotion to an ideal would be in faith.

These kids have a dream! I say they are kids, but they range in age from 16 through 21 (maybe 15 through 22). And they are all exceptional, self-motivated and driven in a way that so few kids are--maybe two kids in a thousand. They are willing to suffer amazing deprivations, long hours on their feet in miserable weather conditions in the hope of winning (I have a story to tell about that later). At the same time, they are loyal to each other and to the corps, loyalty being a rare commodity in this world.

Of course these are generalities and sometimes what I have said above may seem like an overstatement–but when I stood a quarter of a mile from the football field late in the trip watching them practice beneath the broiling sun, which they did all day as the heat waves rose off the field, and I was profoundly touched. That shimmering image of more than a hundred young men and women, instruments glinting in the sun, at temperatures soaring over a hundred degrees came to symbolize all my admiration and to describe if only partly how great they all are. And, this goes too for all the adults who are committed to their success–who have made their own great sacrifice for this ideal they all share and for the love of music, for accomplishment of dreams, for belonging to something greater than the sum of its parts.

That all said, I’m just a mom–and could only observe and try to help what little I could. I felt very much like an outsider, an observer–like a fish in a fishbowl looking out at the greater world warped by my own confines. It seemed that every person I was with were long-term bugle corps devotees and most were alumni to either Southwind or another corps or to both. I was learning a new language, a new way of thinking, a new level of determination and a focus that was entirely on the corps, the kids and their dreams.

What probably didn’t work so well for me was that one thing that does define almost all of these good-hearted people is that they are competitive. I’m not sure that a non-competitive person fits in their filing cabinet. I went solely with the hope that I could be of help and that my health wouldn’t defeat me. The doctor had told me almost a month before that the trip would either kill me or make me stronger. Considering that Day 2 was twenty-one hours long and I felt that a good hard eight hour day would be my upper-limit, I was probably knocked out of the running for my zombie-like stare the first day.

I joined up with them in Fayetteville, Arkansas (that is Arkansaw for you Easterners). My husband drove me, my huge duffle and overstuffed shoulder-bag to the show–the very first Drum and Bugle Corps show that I had ever had the opportunity to see. I was entering a strange new world without having a clue about what was to come.

The day was hot! Sticky hot. The kind of hot day in Oklahoma when not even an air conditioner can make you feel cool. Naturally, we arrived early and parked in the stadium parking. Before the show was ready to begin we left the car and began walking in the vague direction of the parkinglot where the buses had been sighted. We finally located the set of buses and trucks that comprise Southwind's home on the road more than a quarter of a mile walk from where we'd started (it turned out to be the long way ‘round).

I did understand early on that they travel and sleep by night and spend almost every day in a new location. We found the caravan surrounded by a smattering of people as the kids were already mostly dressed and were warming up some way off. The first thing I checked was the cook trailer, by chance, but found it empty. We finally located somebody and I was told to find "James." I had no idea who James was or what he looked like, but the person who sent me in search of him seemed to think I should. And I thought Mike was the director! (He is, but James is the cook! So for cook staff, it would be obvious, wouldn't it?) So off I went hoping that somebody more motivated to get on their feet would help me in my search. Note that now I understand their reticence about putting their weight on their feet. And I also know now that James would not be easily found in his rare moment of freedom.

It took three tries to find somebody who had a clue where he might be before I finely located him. I found him back at the cook trailer standing on the ramp at the back. I'd come full circle. I introduced myself and felt immediately that I was a subscript in the script–a place I am unaccustomed to. Not that I'm complaining, but just describing the feeling. I was told that the corps would be leaving at 10:00 PM and I could bring my things after the show. I never expected the laid-back attitude. Regiments marched through my mind as I felt lost in the vagueness of the instructions!

After that non-plussed moment of introduction, my husband and I stopped for a while before returning to the stadium in order to watch the kids warm-up in a paved spot between two buildings. Initially the brass section was in a semi-circle and playing some part of the show–beautifully. The percussion section warms up separately and were out on a hill to the south, out of sight but, as I later realized, they are never out of hearing. The tattoo of drums is always in the background--even when the kids are supposedly at rest. The kids were wearing their white show shirts (an undergarment) and their jumper-like black trousers. A few other parents had gathered along a wall out-of-the-way to watch and we joined them. We sneaked to a spot and sat down as though we hoped the directors wouldn’t notice that we were sneaking a preview that we ought to pay for.

Ike managed to ignore us, as he should. He calls it "lock down." He keeps his eyes straight ahead and lets nothing distract him. I knew that! But I was thrilled. I secretly hoped that he saw us anyway.

It was the first sight I’d had of him since we’d left him in Kentucky at the end of May. I had heard from his older brother that he had grown, that his acne had cleared, that he was more mature. What I saw was the most beautiful kid in the whole world! Bronzed and blond by hours in the sun, strong from excessive exercise, a slight golden fuzz on his cheeks and glowing green eyes–I just felt so much pride in him. His jawline was more pronounced, his cheeks taught, childhood padding broiled away. And, yes, he had matured as it turned out, both visibly and emotionally a very different person in many ways.

(to be continued!)

Gosh! It has been nearly a month since I posted!

All is well--or better, at least. Ike is off at drum and bugle corps for the summer and the house is quiet for a change.

No trumpet. No melophone. No guitar. Complete silence. I really must complain.

The house is clean. The carpets are vacuumed. The bathroom isn't sweating from one of his long hot showers. His bed is temporarily disassembled and nobody cares. I dragged all his amps out of the living room and lined them up in his bedroom. *sigh*

We've also adopted another wee kitten. She hasn't got a name yet. Spunky . . . Loopy . . . Tiger . . . Tornado . . . I say that God sends me the difficult cases. She came to me half dead. Two days later people couldn't believe she'd been sick. She can fall asleep in mid-play. I thought about drawing a picture of my hand covered with bandages from all the play punctures she is giving me, but I'm not very handy with a mouse.

Mr. Dickens is depressed. Here he thought life was good, he ruled the roost for once. He is terrified of a six week old kitten! But he'll bark at full grown cats at a distance.

I've been thinking of going back to the daily entries where I dally with the fictionalization of my mysterious illnesses. Health has a tendency to become such a preoccupation, but I do have a great idea, I think.

The "New" Neighborhood:

Ike thinks the main road we take to get here is an industrial wasteland. He is small-town. In a big city, this would still be a fairly decent neighborhood even if it is near the tracks, so to speak. The businesses here don't pollute.

The main road near the tracks is really a mix between small businesses, warehouses and private residences. This neighborhood itself would be called working-class, I suppose. The people here are very often young and are upwardly mobile. Two-thirds of the homes are privately owned residences and are well cared for. The other third are rentals that drag real estate values down. My house would sell for the same amount that I bought it for in the 80's before the housing glut drove prices down all over town.

I see this housing edition as an island situated on the right side of the wrong side of the railroad tracks. Or rather there is a siding that creates a private quarter to the north, separating this housing edition from the older homes on the other side. The homes here were built in answer to the need for housing after WWII and this is the only street in the neighborhood where the houses are not identical, or rather, not tract housing.

I took the long route to get to my point. In order to cross the tracks there are about four streets that have railroad crossings we can choose from. On one, that I rarely choose to take, there is a very old, decrepit two-story house. It is oddly built as though it grew organically according to the whim of its owners over the last century. I think it was probably one of the old farm houses that were here even before any other homes were built. It is painted two different colors and all the paint is peeling. The front porch sports a swan on each porch post. I always thought it was rather queer until I took a second look one morning when I wasn't in a hurry. The back door is surrounded by Christmas lights that the owner even lights on April evenings. More importantly than its condition, its odd shape, its swans, is its parklike yard, if you could call it that. Simply, the house is surrounded by trees planted in straight rows and probably four or five city lots of pure green grass.

There is an impressive aspect to it and I pointed this out to Ike one day. I think it is proof that even those who have little money and few assets can still have their own little piece of heaven and this is one that belongs to some small family who likes to enjoy their lives. It's evidenced in the Christmas lights around the back door and in the two chairs that sit facing toward the open tree covered lot between the house and the railroad tracks. A swingset sits in the shade of the trees a stones throw from the chairs. It would be a quiet place except for the trains.

While most of us are chasing our tails and trying to keep up with the Jones', these people have managed to obtain a house that takes their focus off the neighbors and to live life the way they want to live it. So, the point I wanted to make for Ike was to take the time to go sit out back after a hard day's work and enjoy what life has to offer rather than worrying about what you haven't got and what you may never be able to afford to have. And these people may be happier than their counterparts in their expensive houses out on snob hill. Some people just never get it: "Bloom where you are planted."

I'm married to an Okie!

My son and I get a kick out of this. We shouldn't but we always do.

I made a quick trip to Braum's tonight and once there I wondered if we had any salad dressing in the fridge. I called my husband on my handy li'l cell phone, "Do we have any ranch dressing?"
After a pause I heard him answer, "Uh huh . . . but some Franch would be nice."
There was quite a lot of background noise in the store. To double check, I asked, "What did you say?"
"I said, uh huh, but some Franch would be nice."
"Franch? Oh, okay. I'll get that at the grocery store tomorrow. Just so long as we have ranch."
A few minutes later, I climbed into the car where Ike was waiting for me, listening to his tunes. As I backed out for the drive home, I told him about the call. By the time we'd gotten to the left turn lane and were waiting for the traffic light, we were having great fun with it.
"I guess that if it comes from France it must be Franch." Gut wrenching laughter.
"We're ranchers here, so we think the Franchers are ranchers, too." Another bout of hilarity.
"We go to the restaurant and he wonders why he got ranch dressing instead of franch dressing." Aren't we just pitiful! Don't tell him we do this.

In other news: It is spring! The daffodils bloomed.